I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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