mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
