I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
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