Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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