remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I am midnight drunk by noon
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
