Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
