His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Randomize
