I'll bet she douches with gravy.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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