I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
