It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
