Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
