What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
