I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
