My liver just broke up with me...
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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