Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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