Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
