she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
