I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
My bed smells like the plague
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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