He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
