dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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