so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
