My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
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No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
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Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize