your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Randomize
