Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
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When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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