wrigley field is MILF paradise
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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