Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize