he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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