She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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