i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
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I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
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Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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