oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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