I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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