hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Drunk is a universal language darling
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
