Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
