Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
