I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
i wish my penis had a tongue
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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