I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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