we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
