And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize