Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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