so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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