new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
