Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
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I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
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when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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