I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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