Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
