If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I need moral support for this bender
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
