Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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