Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
