dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
