I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
