Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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