at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
