I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
They left me at home... I'm a liability
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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