tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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