Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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